I Can't Think of a Title Honestly. Sorry.

Max Drummond

I’m still gay.

It’s a horrible thought to wake up to in the morning.  Alarm blaring, all other thoughts of my conscious mind were drowned out by the alarm’s siren call except my recent revelation.  Despite this, some primal urge for survival drove me to push the sheets aside, and take the first steps of a new day.  First, get up, take a shower.  And I’m still gay.  Then, get out of the shower, shuffle to the wardrobe, get dressed, pack my gym bag.  Yep. Gay.  Half-awake, go make some toast, grab the breakfast mom left out.  Frickin’ gay.  Back upstairs.  And finally, settle in front of my computer with a delicious smelling casserole until Matt rolls up to take us to Saturday morning practice. Early morning practice, I might add.  God, who thought football on a weekend was a good idea?  Still.  Certainly better than surfing youtube.  Which is exactly how I’m spending my morning solitude right now of course.  At least practice will keep my video trawling to a minimum.  Despite my better judgement, I settle in until I see the text from Matt.  Best friend sure, but he sure as hell doesn’t like people, even myself, being late.   Clicking on the first random thing in my What to Watch stream, I’m mildly disgusted by a top ten most horrific torture methods of the eighteenth century.  Seriously, who sits in their home and makes this stuff?  Click next, I’m assaulted with the blaring sound of Metallica.  You have one friend show you one music video two months ago, and other musical shlock is turning up in your feed forever.  Geez.  Next, please.  And suddenly I’m suprised with a video about a man who admitted to his family he was gay, and was turned out on the street.  Disowned I think is what they call it.  Immediately, I’m thrust back into the contemplative state that prevented me from getting any sleep last night.  And the realization strikes home with an uncomfortably refreshing dose of reality:

I am gay.                 

How the hell am I supposed to come to terms with that?  I’m probably the least likely person to be gay in any small town, anywhere!  And how will mom cope when she hears that her beloved son is a homosexual?  How will the town react?  Alexander, suffered the tragic loss of his father in a horrific car accident, left with only his mother and their home, who miraculously came out on top as a prime running back, star jock of the football team!  And there’s the problem right there.  I’m a jock.  Jocks aren’t supposed to be gay!  We’re supposed to be hard hitting, dumb douchebags, with a disregard for personal safety and anything asides from football and girls!  I mean, yeah football is great and all, but I love baking with my mom on Friday evenings.  Hell, no wonder Matt has a girlfriend and I don’t.  I’ve never wanted one.  Guys like Nick, the quarterback though, they sure are eye-catchers…  Crap.  I really am gay.

Damn, damn, a million times damn!  This isn’t fair!  A distraction.  I need a distraction.  Anything!  And then, scrolling through the comments, I see it.  A comment made by a madhatter42:

“Bruh, this fag deserved it.  Being gay is a sin, and you will burn in hell for your homo-ness.”  Woah.  Excuse me?  That seems incredibly impuntent from someone who doesn’t even know this youtuber to say.  Glancing at the timestamp, I notice that this comment was posted less than a minute ago.  I can hear my Matt’s voice in my head as I begin to type on the keyboard: “Don’t get in fights with people on the internet!  They’re scumbags and assholes, the whole damn bunch.”  I know I shouldn’t post it.  Let sleeping dogs lie! Don’t poke lions with a stick.  I really shouldn’t post this.  I hit post.  As my comment pops up in madhatter42’s thread, I reread it.  “Who the hell are you to judge this man?  You know nothing about his life, his story.  If you didn’t know that he was gay, there is every chance that you two could have been friends!  Don’t judge people so discriminately.”  I regret it as soon as it gives me the thumbs up that my post has been successfully uploaded!  A pit begins growing in my stomach as I see a comment from madhatter42 pop up right underneath mine.  “What, you think fags deserve a chance at life?  This homo is a stain on the human race, just like every single one of them.”  Jesus Christ.  This poor human being, if you can even call them that, is completely blind to idea of equality I feel sick.  Unable to read any more, I shut my computer.  I have to get out of here. Taking my gym bag and dishes downstairs, I dump the dirty plate in the dishwasher, and go outside to wait for Matt.  Just as I’m sending the angry “Where the hell are you?” text, I see the old busted BMW fly down my street.  How can he even get that ancient thing to move that fast?  Throwing personal safety to the wind, I hop in the passenger seat, and toss my bag in the back.  Immediately I feel more comfortable.  This is my routine.  Matt and I have spent the last 3 years doing just this every Saturday.  The pre-talk brofist.  The revv of the engine.  And without a seconds hesitation, were off.  

“What’s up dude?” he inquires, breaking the awkward silence that I normally fill with my latest news.  “Sorry.  Just a bit shaken up.  I got in a fight with some asshole on the internet.”  

“Dude. What do I say about the internet?”  he replies.  “Well, I can’t really get on your case today actually.  I got in a fight too with some guy on youtube.”

I’m surprised.  “I thought you didn’t have a youtube account.”  He shoots me a grin.  “Signed up this morning! Anyways, I argued with this guy ‘cause he was defending a worthless fag about his video  What an asshole right?” Oh god.  No.  This can’t be happening.      “Uh huh.” I weakly respond.  “Hey, what did you say your account name was?”

“Oh it’s madhatter42.  Cool right?”  “Yea, sure.”  I whisper.  My mind is focused on other things.  Like the fact that my best friend is a homophobic.

And I’m still gay.